- No, Meatwad. - Break, stupid.
- Meatwad, the piñata's over there. - Where is it?
Here?
You're the birthday boy. Let's just take off the blindfold.
- Is it back here? - Meatwad.
- Hooray! Meatwad, you hit it, see? - Hurrah.
- Where's the candy? - Look, you got a cake.
- Who needs candy? Come on, Meatwad. - Is there candy in there?
Just get your friends in here.
Frylock, I'm friends with a toilet paper tube, an apple, and a box.
I'm crazy in the head.
You gonna dis me, boy? Dis me to my face.
- Boxy, please, don't take it like that. - How am I supposed to take it, then?
We just want to celebrate my birthday with some cake.
I don't want no cake. I want me some pie.
You understand what I'm saying?
- No, sir. - Let me break it down.
You know, when you're in the shower with some fine, foxy hoochie mama...
and she got that...
- What? - Meatwad?
I don't know if I believe that.
I mean, I've seen action figures without their pants.
- They ain't got that. - Meatwad.
- He is talking here. - I mean, I don't mean to interrupt.
Watch out, he's got a knife.
Okay, Boxy, put the knife down.
Let's all sing Happy Birthday. Ready?
- Happy - Happy birthday
Hold up. Stop. Don't sing. Stop. Hold on a sec.
Look who showed up. I thought you didn't do birthdays.
Do them? I am responsible for the paradigm shift...
in birthdays and how they will be viewed in the following centuries.
- Shake, what the hell is that? - You know The Birthday Song?
The famous one? It usually puts everybody to sleep.
You mean the one we were trying to sing when you interrupted?
Kiss that snooze fest goodbye, because I wrote a new one.
And from now on, whenever someone blows out candles or unties a ribbon...
this is what their waitresses will be singing.
- This is Zakk Wylde. - This is Ozzy's old guy?
The man knows his way around five strings.
You're telling me that this is the new birthday song?
Gee willikers! It must be Obvious Day on Camp Stupid.
What it's called is Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary.
It came to Geddy and I in a dream.
- Geddy? - Geddy Lee. Lead singer of Rush.
Rush. Geddy Lee.
Will you shut up when the big people are talking?
He happens to be extremely highly paid for his input on this project.
- Tell me this fades out right here. - All right. Hang on. Okay.
See, this is where you're supposed to say the number of years.
I'm gonna rewind it. You do it. Okay. Here we go.
Okay.
Say it. How many years are you?
Just say how old you are, Meatwad.
- I don't know. - All right.
You're just ruining the song. What are you, 55, 56?
Yes, I'm 55.
Fifty-five bells
You got to be kidding. No one's gonna sing this.
They better. Otherwise, how am I gonna pay Zakk Wylde...
for his priceless participation in my project?
- See, I got to get royalties on this. - It's done, right?
Hang on. We're gonna repeat this verse again.
Then there's another verse about the death cycle...
which Zakk and I both feel is really important to the piece.
- That's it. This sucks. - You can't have birth without death.
It's the duplicitous edge which we all walk upon.
Can I blow out the candles now?
- Because there's wax all over my cake. - Of course. It's your birthday.
- But cough up the royalties first. - How much did that cost?
I'm so tired of people in the private sector.
Look, every business has an initial investment, okay?
Everybody has birthdays, and they all need to sing.
How much did it cost?
I guess we'll start with travel.
Zakk, as you well know, traveled by a train of white stallions...
which I had to buy and feed. And, of course, you know...
- the snow machine... - Give me that.
$1.4 million.
The money is gonna roll right in.
You know how many birthdays there are a year?
There are hundreds.
Literally hundreds.
You see this? How much can a horse eat? They're white.
They got to be bleached? What the hell is this crap?
Shake? I've got Zakk's people on the phone here.
- They still haven't gotten a check. - I haven't gotten their invoice.
- Tell them to re-fax it. - You tell them.
How are we gonna do that?
Wait. If that's the guy about the house, tell him I'll be right there.
- House? - Yeah.
For sale? You put the house up for sale?
Yeah, just till we get some cash flow going.
Shake, we rent the house. We don't own it.
I know that. I have no intention of leaving. But we need money.
How are you doing?
So you saw the sign. I guess you want to take a look at the house.
I mean, we have a couple other people coming later today.
It's really a lucky thing you stopped by.
Trees. I take care of them. I'm a tree wizard.
That is great.
Come on in. I've got a tray of muffins. One. Take one.
Tree wizard needs $6.48.
And, as you can see, it's fully furnished.
Two-zero. No bathroom, and that is by design.
We don't want people to mess things up with their waste, know what I'm saying?
Right. Of course you do. You know what I'm saying.
And, as you can see, the phone is highly cordless.
- Alabama. - Yes. Absolutely.
We are conveniently located adjacent to Alabama. What else?
In the back, there's a ton of science equipment. It must be worth...
- That stuff's not for sale. - Bring your muffin. It's here.
Shake, he's gone.
- And so is the TV. - And the muffins, too.
I'm sorry. Did I not bury you in the backyard?
Stay away from the muffins.
Look at this. We got another potential buyer.
Hello! It's snowing.
- They're gonna cancel school. - Oh, no. What kind of car is it?
Don't tell me it's a chariot driven by a train of white stallions.
It's a chariot driven by a train of white stallions.
It's Zakk. You got to cover for me. I wasn't here.
- Is Milkshake here? - No. I mean...
The beating I'm about to put on him is gonna be indescribable.
- He's in the back. Go ahead and get him. - Thanks. Nice place, by the way.
I see you.
Zakk, my man, I've been looking... Thank God you stopped by.
No. Put that down.
- So where's my money? - Is this really about money?
I thought it was about the love.
- I thought it was about the music. - No. It's about the money.
The jack is gonna start rolling in. You know that live event I alluded to?
It's happening.
And I want you to check out this venue, because we got an exclusive booking.
See? Kids love pizza. And they love squalor.
Meatwad's already experiencing our interactive fun zone.
Which wire you can eat and which one you can't?
- Meatwad, put that down. - I know, Dad. Don't eat the hot meat.
- But the ground's pretty tasty, isn't it? - No.
Frylock, will you please calm down?
I know we have to have rubber mats put in, because the kids...
- The kids need to be grounded. - This asbestos is itchy.
You're gonna blast that dumb-ass song here, aren't you?
Not me. Kids are coming to see...
the Black Mountain Scorpion Hoedown Bluegrass Experience Gang...
featuring Zakk Wylde on washtub bass.
Zakk, did we not do the sound check?
No, jackass. I'm not working with any plastic scorpions.
These things are beyond gay.
Zakk, the song needs exposure...
and the only way to do that is to tour.
Dumb ass, take a look. These things are bolted into the ground.
Yeah. We're talking about wicked poisonous scorpions.
- There's gonna be children here. Come on. - Okay. Where's Geddy?
Geddy?
- Geddy who? - Geddy Lee?
I don't know. I don't know who you're talking about.
Of Rush. "Of salesman"?
Of salesman
You swore to God that he would be here.
Yeah.
Geddy's people said that he was heavily involved in his solo album.
He wouldn't do it, would he?
- Of course he would do it... - If you had the money.
Mostly I was dealing with the maid who answers the phone at his house.
But I have told Consuela several times...
He's getting a Post-it on the fridge. I do know that.
Why did I even get wasted and work with you?
I mean, this isn't even a real microphone. It's a stick with a marshmallow on it.
- The room is intimate. Just project. - Project what?
I don't even know what the... you're talking about.
You got to go from the diaphragm.
I mean, I was... wasted when we recorded it.
Just follow Deadly's lead on this.
He knows this song like the back of his stinger.
And watch out for the stinger. It will kill you.
- Come on, Meatwad. Come out and dance. - Those are big roaches.
No. They're scorpions.
- You want to meet them? - Scorpions? No.
Zakk "Mild," let's kick it up a notch.
What do you need, a drink? You want some pills?
- Need me to get some bitches? - No. I ain't doing this.
I know what you mean. I'm not really feeling it...
because I can't feel like humans, you know?
If only there was some way.
I don't know if it's that. I just think the song sucks.
Is it that it sucks...
or you just want to go do, like, solo thing?
- Is that what you want to do now? - Yeah, maybe if I do that, I will.
Man, don't you pull it out on us. You're gonna use this...
Can I say that when I ordered them, I had no idea...
they came armed with laser cannons?
She probably charged me extra, too.
What will you tell Zakk's wife and children?
You saw him. The guy was drunk and out of control...
What's that jet doing in our yard?
Hell. What does it look like?
It's in the shape of a bass guitar, and it's painted with a giant owI.
Swooping down from the moon. I know. It's Geddy's jet.
- Floor it. We got to get out of here. - Hi, Geddy.
Shut up. Just keep driving. Don't look at him. Go.
- Where are we going? - Mexico. Ándale.